Just Adopt...

This is a little blog post directed at those well-meaning people who feel compelled to give their best advice to the infertile family. Let me begin by stating that this is going to be very blunt. Everything I am about to write I write out of love... love for the potential adoptive family, the infertile family, the child to be adopted and those giving advice. It needs to be said.

Instead of going over the hundreds of irresponsible statements that come from so many mouths, I am choosing one of them to focus on.

"Just adopt." This is sometimes followed by "...and then you'll get pregnant." If you're one of the people who has said this, don't beat yourself up as you read further. Instead, you can make it right simply by thinking before you speak from now on and possibly apologizing to anyone you could have offended.

Let me start by saying first and foremost, this statement does a HUGE disservice to the adopted child. This implies "just adopt a kid and then you'll end up with the biological one you really wanted." This is appalling. Adoption isn't something you do in order to gain something else for yourself. Adoption is an act you do out of love for a child. You adopt because you want to expand your family. You adopt because you have a desire in your heart to love and raise a child. You adopt not as a service to a child, not as a favor to the world, not because you feel you "need to", and certainly not for your own personal gain. Adoption is between God and a couple, and only between God and a couple. God will either place it on their hearts or he won't. Your input is not necessary in regards the matter. We all know adoption is an option, you are enlightening nobody.

As if something like this is true in the first place. Sure, some people have "just adopted" and become pregnant thereafter. However, do not imply that this is the norm. Most infertile families that adopt do not fall pregnant. Many infertile women are completely unable to conceive on their own. There are women who have no Fallopian tubes, no ovaries, no uterus. If you don't know someone's personal situation and medical records (even if you do), simply keep your mouth shut. Yes, there is always room for a miracle, still keep it closed.

And last but not least, I think it's the "just" that ticks me off the most. We have been down both roads in the past in hopes of expanding our family. In my experience, adoption is equally difficult of a process as assisted reproduction technology. Adoption isn't something you "just" wake up one day and go do. Adoption is a long process of prayer, preparation, home studies, paperwork, fundraising of any sort, meetings, anticipation, etc. 

It is a fact that having a child doesn't come easy to many couples. I don't understand why this makes so many people uncomfortable and why one feels the need to offer unsolicited advice in the first place. If you're not specifically asked, keep your mouth closed. Let the family know you are there for support and prayer and leave it at that. I guarantee you anyone suffering from infertility already knows way more on the topic than you can offer them anyway. Fortunately, we live in a day and age with resources such as google. 

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