When God Says Speak

I keep hearing God telling my heart to speak. Speak = write. So, here I am. Initially I was going to keep this all to myself in hopes of eventually "surprising" our loved ones with happy news instead of dragging them along the whole ride with us again. However, it's become clear to me that isn't in the cards for us. I'm letting it go. 

When I found out that I was finally pregnant with Grayson, I told myself I would be perfectly content if God's plan was for me to have only one biological child. As you know, the cycle during which we conceived Grayson was our final attempt before moving forward with our adoption plans. 

A second child has been on my mind pretty much since Grayson was born. When conceiving doesn't come easily, you don't get the luxury of not planning ahead to an extent. I have bounced back and forth between whether I want to attempt to conceive again or jump straight into adoption this time. 

My pregnancy with Grayson ended very dangerously. Preeclampsia can be life threatening and I had a severe form. My chances of that recurring in a future pregnancy are about 30%. I have to take this fact very seriously knowing that IVF is another risk factor boosting that up even more. Upon learning this initially, it was a no brainer that we should adopt. 

For reasons unknown to me, I feel God very strongly telling me I need to try anyway. I feel God telling me that He isn't ready for our family to adopt at this time. I feel like this is in our future somewhere down the line, but I keep hearing "not yet." I know with prayer anything is possible and that He will protect me from harm.

Every time I think I know the next move, God speaks. Last week we went back to our fertility specialist for a consultation. We are all set to go physically and emotionally, but now we need God to make it possible for us financially. I know He can and will do this when He says it's time. 

After realizing on Friday that we wouldn't be able to do this in September like we previously planned for, I slipped. I slipped back down into the bitterness that consumed me for so long while trying to conceive Grayson. I trampled over everyone this weekend and hurt feelings. I got angry at God again. It hurts. The pain cut so deep that it made me angry. 

Saturday night I realized that I needed to be humbled. I realized that God was asking me to willingly give him the driver's seat in my life again. He made me acknowledge once again that no matter what I think, he has always had control. This is a lesson He has to be getting tired of teaching me over and over again. (Control freak problems) I prayed that He would speak to me and bring me back to the mindset that I needed to be in.

It all came full circle Sunday morning at church. They sang "Cry Out to Jesus" before the message and the tears began to fall. I knew that song was just for me. It was everything that I needed to hear in that very moment. After that, our message was about finding your spiritual gifts and figuring out where that can be plugged into the church. 

Brother Danny then very specifically said something along the lines of "if you have an idea of a new ministry, tell us, we are always open and growing." A light bulb came on and I remembered that several months ago I had looked into starting a support group for women going through these kinds of hard times, but there was no place for me to use and I got discouraged and distracted. (ADHD problems)

I feel like God allowed me to feel this recent pain and discouragement to remind me how helpful it might be for other women. If it wouldn't have been so fresh on my memory, I probably wouldn't have heard that particular part of the message so loud and clear.

This morning a dear friend of mine send me an encouraging message which seemed literally out of the blue. She very kindly inquired about our plans for future children and explained that God had been putting it on her heart to pray for us specifically regarding this. It completely amazed me that while I was busy being self-centered and having a mini pity party this weekend, God was already gathering my prayer warriors. How awesome is that? God always knows our needs before we do. 

This is when I knew it was time for me to speak out about this. I had hoped to be more private this time, but I know God speaks through His people. I know my experiences can help people, have helped people and will continue to help people. So here I am, putting it all out there for you. 

In conclusion, there is an abundance of prayer needs here...

First and foremost, that God will be glorified in this process. That I will remain undistracted so that I can hear His voice speaking loud and clear. That God will bring people to me that I can direct to Him in this process. That He can use my story and myself to change lives. We need prayers that I stay level headed and at peace with God's plan. I need prayers for patience to wait for God's voice before making any big moves. I am a go getter, so when I want something it's extremely hard for me to wait. I need God to hold my heart in his hands all of the time. I need direction on whether or not I am actually the woman He wants to start a group like previously mentioned.

We need God to provide us with $15,000 to attempt IVF. I know that when it's His will, He comes through for us on BIG needs like this, because it happened 4 times in our attempts with Grayson. That's not even counting the many expenses for surgeries, less invasive treatments, etc before the IVFs. At first I hesitated to share the exact number, but it's nothing you can't google and find out yourself so for the sake of praying specifically, $15k. We need that in order to even begin the process again. 

A Masterpiece Takes Time

Little Man, you have sure kept me busy lately. It seems like this summer has been literally nonstop. Since we've been home from our trips, it's been something fun every weekend.

One of our most recent exciting events was our sweet friends Thomas and Amanda's wedding. You had the honor of being a ring bearer while I got to stand by them as a bridesmaid. You did so well and were absolutely adorable as always. It was so cool to have us both sharing in such a big day in their lives. It was a crisis because the suit that we rented for you was huge (size 4/5) and swallowed you whole. You wear a 2T so you must have been severely mismeasured at the fitting. We had to scramble the morning of the wedding and send both your Nana and Nene on a hunt to buy clothes that fit and matched the rest of the boys in the wedding. Luckily, they are awesome and it happened. I love getting to be your mom and take part in things like this. Your favorite part was wearing your new boots. You finally own a pair just like Daddy's. Here are a few photos of your handsome self...

You recently recovered from a nasty respiratory virus. When you get it, you get it bad (like Usher) because you have reactive airways. When you were 5 months old you caught RSV even though I was extremely OCD and germaphobic, so now you wheeze anytime you catch a cold. Thankfully, that hasn't been too often, because I hate when you're not well and because you hate your breathing treatments. 

Shortly after you recovered from that, you got attacked by ants. I thought you were simply picking grass or something until you started frantically sprinting across the yard and shaking your arms. I've only ran (possibly flown) to you that fast once before and that was when you tumbled down the stairs. It was incredibly sad and it freaked you out so badly that you pooped your pants. That's not a huge deal when you're in diapers, but it broke my heart for you. Fortunately, we had been swimming so there was a pool of water that I ran and dunked you into clothes and all. Your right arm wasn't so bad because it was the one I brushed the ants off of first, but they ate your left one up. They were trapped between your fingers and I had to pick them all out. There were over 50 bites in all, most of them on your left hand. It was horrible and you wouldn't go back into the grass for a few days. 

This week we have had a sleepover with our best friends for 4 nights in a row. Your daddy went to uncle Logan's bachelor party in Cancun so Christin and Kylar came to stay with us. We had so much fun. Since you have shown an interest in movies lately, we took you to the theater to see "Planes" and you did exceptionally well. I've never known a one year old to sit still through almost the entire thing. You slept through the first part, then watched most of it in my lap. It was only about the last 15 minutes that you started getting antsy so I took you to play Cruisin' USA in the arcade instead. You're obsessed with that game. 

You didn't act like you missed daddy that much, but you proved that you did when he got home. You were sound asleep but when he walked in the bedroom you opened your eyes and caught a glimpse of him. You smiled the biggest smile I've ever seen on your face. You continued smiling while in and out of sleep for no less than 30 minutes. It was so precious that I cried (embarrassing mom moment.) It makes me tearfully happy to see you that happy. 

On a better note, today we went to the zoo with Ashlee, Mason, Christin and Kylar. You constantly amaze me with how smart you are. You recognize a lot of the animals now. Seeing how you react differently than even a couple of months ago is really neat. This time, you loved the birds and fish. A bird actually landed on your head and you handled it like a total champ. You recognized the deer. You yelled "ohhhhh BAD BUG" at the tarantulas. You said "dog" excitedly when you saw the meerkat so I just went with it. You said "nuh uh" and made a scared face when the tiger got close to the glass (it freaks me out too buddy.) 

Last but not least, tonight was your first swim lesson. You did AMAZING. You're such a water baby. You're not the least bit timid in the water which scares me a tad, but that's exactly why we're taking lessons. I can't wait to see the skills you learn.

How will you be 20 months old in 3 days? I'm so proud of the little boy you are becoming. You have been such a happy baby from the start and now you're growing into such a pleasant little boy. If only I had known what God had in store for us... Your sweet soul was SO worth the wait! Now I know, a masterpiece takes time. You are truly beautiful inside and out.