Co-sleeping

Before Grayson was born I had planned out my delivery, hospital stay, first weeks home and most of my parenting techniques almost to the point of absurdity. 

Ever since he graced this world with his presence at 35 weeks and 2 days, he has repeatedly proven that kids and plans don't mesh well. 

Our sleeping arrangements would be as follows: Arm's Reach Co-Sleeper bedside for 6 months and then off to the crib because at 8 weeks old he would sleep through the night like the rest of the newborns.

HAHA! No. 

At 6 months old he still wasn't sleeping thought the night. I decided to leave him bedside because I was afraid he would choke on vomit. Ever since he was born he spit up constantly and eventually it turned into actual projectile vomiting events. We had an upper GI test done at 6 months to see if he had reflux. He was put on a prescription for this issue which helped some, but not much. 

At 9 months old, he still was not sleeping throughout the night. He was waking up every 30 minutes at this point. I was to an indescribable point of exhaustion. Friends and family began questioning my health and telling me I did not look well. I am the kind of mom who truly enjoys doing it all myself. I cherish the good, the bad and the ugly; however, my husband was able to convince me at this point that it was time for him to step in at nighttime. I decided maybe Grayson sleeping in his own room with his Dad making the majority of the trips would be the answer. He slept in his crib for three months where his Dad took over most of the night duty...

At 12 months old, he was still waking up throughout the night. I could tell night duty was wearing on my husband. The night of Grayson's birthday, I let him sleep in the bed with me as a special treat for us both since he is the snuggliest kid ever. 

At 17 months old, we are still celebrating his birthday. Just kidding, but he does still sleep with me. He still doesn't sleep through the night, but I am so used to it now that it feels like a completely normal state of existence. Much to my surprise I love every minute of cosleeping with my baby. Okay fine, toddler.

I'm not the kind of mom who needs a lot of time to myself. I certainly don't pass judgment on those who do need it because I know so many amazing mom's who have to work everyday or must use this time to get caught up on house chores. I compile my personal "me time" into his naptime (which occurs in his own room) and my occasional Mama's night out. However, I spent so much time wishing for and desiring a child that I really couldn't care less about doing laundry right now. I'm perfectly okay with having my head underwater for a few years. I am also blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom so this is a possibility. I understand that not everyone wants to be a stay at home mom. No judgment there either. Everybody is different.

Before bed each night, he has a glass of milk and we brush our teeth. While snuggled up, we sing lullabies together. Sometimes we read our Bible or another book and on the really long days, we watch an episode of Bubble Guppies. This is always followed several kisses and at least a 10 minute giggle fest. He grabs me around my neck, we say a prayer and he hugs me really tight while he dozes off. Right before he falls asleep he always rolls right over for some space and that's that.

I never imagined that my little man would be sleeping in my bed but I can't imagine it any other way now. He is so independent by nature, so luckily that's not even a logical concern for us. I am a confident and strong follower of my motherly instincts and if it feels right, it is right. For us this simply feels right. There's extra quality time and a special bond that we wouldn't have without it. 

The Wow Factor

I could sit here and tell you about all of the amazing miracles God has performed in my life. I could describe the small things and the incredible things. I could tell you about prayers that have been answered, blessings that have been given and lives that have changed right before my eyes. I think I could "wow" you.

...but the most miraculous thing God has done, I could never explain. The most incredible miracle is the transformation within my soul. The most amazing part is how He can fill a body up with so much unexplainable comfort, love, peace, hope and faith to endure any circumstance. The miracle is that when asked with a sincerely open heart and mind, He always comes through. Even though I fail daily, His perfect love never fails and for that I will literally be eternally grateful.

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Momtourage and the Dream

As some of you may know, Grayson and I attend a group called "Momtourage" for preschoolers and homeschoolers. We have been a part of this group for a few months and it has been an amazing experience for us both. I really enjoy allowing him the time with other children alongside all of us moms enjoying adult time together. We do sensory activities, music, picnics (inside or out), take field trips, etc. We allow the kids the perks they would otherwise get from a preschool or school setting.

On that note, today we had spring pictures. After our photos, we had our first Easter egg hunt. Well, almost... 

When I spent all that time wishing, hoping, praying and waiting for a baby, I did a lot of daydreaming. Every time a holiday rolled around, I would imagine what it would feel like to have my own tiny human to experience the fun with. In my daydream, Easter egg hunting would have gone something like this: Grayson begins by posing perfectly beside his egg basket for a photo followed by a group photo. He then goes out to hunt eggs, whilst holding his basket. He picks up several eggs, places them into his basket and has fun doing so. He then let's me eat all of his candy. I'm probably kidding about the last part. 

How it really went: Grayson hates his 50 freaking dollar personalized basket. He runs away when I try to take aforementioned photo. He refuses to be still for the group photo because he is trying to run toward the eggs the entire time. Finally, he gets the go ahead to hunt eggs. I release him and he is so excited that he takes off rocket running, trips over his own two feet and face-plants into the gravel driveway. I Neosporin him up and we try again, but he is completely over it. 

We calmly walked to my car and ate our lunch. You simply can't win them all. I forfeited that one. No candy for Mom. 

The logical side of me has been around enough children over the years to know that what happened today is the real dream. The chaos, the unexpected, the disasters, the fits, the injuries, the lack of cooperation... The real dream is about spending holidays with my son. It's about me being flexible and not holding my baby up to ridiculous standards. It's about giving him the ability to grow up slowly and learn as he goes. It's about me having the privilege of being the one who gets to help him off of the pavement and doctor his boo-boos. It's about experiencing the gift of a friend selflessly giving him some of their eggs and candy because he had none of his own. It's about being his shoulder to cry on. It's about encouraging him. It's about accepting him exactly as he is. It's about the life lessons for us both. 

It's about the blessing of being called his mama... and that was the dream all along. I'm living it.

I thought I maxed out my ability to love him anymore when I saw that 8 celled embryo (perks if IVF), again when I saw those 2 pink lines (more like one pink line alongside a shadow of an almost line that was visible only when squinting and tilted just right in the light, but there nonetheless) and about a million more times after that. Tonight, I go to bed loving him a little bit more than I did yesterday, amazed and thankful to God for the joy and life lessons this child brings me. 

I did manage to get some seriously adorable photos after the craze settled down a little:

Such a ham!

My little angel and I 

The best of the basket pictures

His battle wounds 

Zonked out exhausted afterward

Just Adopt...

This is a little blog post directed at those well-meaning people who feel compelled to give their best advice to the infertile family. Let me begin by stating that this is going to be very blunt. Everything I am about to write I write out of love... love for the potential adoptive family, the infertile family, the child to be adopted and those giving advice. It needs to be said.

Instead of going over the hundreds of irresponsible statements that come from so many mouths, I am choosing one of them to focus on.

"Just adopt." This is sometimes followed by "...and then you'll get pregnant." If you're one of the people who has said this, don't beat yourself up as you read further. Instead, you can make it right simply by thinking before you speak from now on and possibly apologizing to anyone you could have offended.

Let me start by saying first and foremost, this statement does a HUGE disservice to the adopted child. This implies "just adopt a kid and then you'll end up with the biological one you really wanted." This is appalling. Adoption isn't something you do in order to gain something else for yourself. Adoption is an act you do out of love for a child. You adopt because you want to expand your family. You adopt because you have a desire in your heart to love and raise a child. You adopt not as a service to a child, not as a favor to the world, not because you feel you "need to", and certainly not for your own personal gain. Adoption is between God and a couple, and only between God and a couple. God will either place it on their hearts or he won't. Your input is not necessary in regards the matter. We all know adoption is an option, you are enlightening nobody.

As if something like this is true in the first place. Sure, some people have "just adopted" and become pregnant thereafter. However, do not imply that this is the norm. Most infertile families that adopt do not fall pregnant. Many infertile women are completely unable to conceive on their own. There are women who have no Fallopian tubes, no ovaries, no uterus. If you don't know someone's personal situation and medical records (even if you do), simply keep your mouth shut. Yes, there is always room for a miracle, still keep it closed.

And last but not least, I think it's the "just" that ticks me off the most. We have been down both roads in the past in hopes of expanding our family. In my experience, adoption is equally difficult of a process as assisted reproduction technology. Adoption isn't something you "just" wake up one day and go do. Adoption is a long process of prayer, preparation, home studies, paperwork, fundraising of any sort, meetings, anticipation, etc. 

It is a fact that having a child doesn't come easy to many couples. I don't understand why this makes so many people uncomfortable and why one feels the need to offer unsolicited advice in the first place. If you're not specifically asked, keep your mouth closed. Let the family know you are there for support and prayer and leave it at that. I guarantee you anyone suffering from infertility already knows way more on the topic than you can offer them anyway. Fortunately, we live in a day and age with resources such as google. 

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